After Alaska
by bellevivre
Summary: Spoilers for Exit Wounds. Picks up at the end of the episode. Alaska was pivotal for Penelope; it's time for a change of heart. Eventually M.
1. Honesty

_A/N: I'm sure this will be one of many following the events in "Exit Wounds". I own nothing, but now I have hope! ________________________________________________________________________________

This case felt like a turning point for Penelope. Not only had she come face to face with the very embodiment of all they fought against, every day, but she had overcome her fears, again and again, to comfort the wounded, to get the job done so that another crazed madman could be put behind bars. She stepped outside to pack down the satellite equipment, but looking around her, she was struck by how discordant the beauty around her seemed when viewed next to the sorrow and unrest within her heart. Walking a few steps away, she gazed up at the mountains surrounding the small town, mulling the events of the past few days.

Her unrest was not only borne of the trial she had undergone. Yes, she felt another small part of her joy, her child-like wonder, had been chipped away and all that was left was yet another dull, dark mark upon her spirit. But at the same time, her heart was under siege, as if stretched too far, a part of it which had been cordoned off, as in a museum, suddenly lit up, dusted off, painfully unfurling again after lying, withered and dusty as a forgotten rose, for far too long.

Her relationship with Kevin had again grown strained, and she wondered, as she had so often before, if the fact that their relationship required such delicate work to maintain an even keel didn't mean that it just simply wasn't meant to be. She understood his concern over the idea of his girlfriend sharing a room, however innocently, with another man, but it didn't excuse his prickly response to any overture of friendship by the team. They had tried to include him, but he simply continued to attempt to pull Penelope away from the job. The strain was wearing on her, the nightmares haunting her in spite of the fact that her position thankfully kept her somewhat insulated from the worst that they dealt with.

If she were honest with herself, there was one reason she stayed. One tall, dark reason with sad eyes and gentle hands. The walls that had grown up between them since she started dating Kevin, and his brief affair with Tamara, seemed to crumble during this trip, and her heart ached, once again finding itself swelling with a kind of painful, tortured adoration. She desperately fought against the feeling, experience telling her that only pain would meet her at the end of that road.

She stared blankly at the vista around her, thoughts turned inward, barely hearing the soft steps behind her.

"Sucks, doesn't it?" She relaxed, letting his soft, deep voice wash over her, pulling her out of her reverie.

"What?"

She heard the soft smile in his voice. "Just knowing that we couldn't have done any of this without you…"

She smirked. "Yeah, pretty much."

Derek frowned slightly, seeing the way her shoulders slumped. "I'm proud of you Penelope… Despite everything that happened, you came back, and you got the job done."

She sighed. "The sight of blood used to make me run away, and two nights ago… I ran towards it…"

He reached out to touch her shoulder, turning her around, letting his hand slide down her arm. She stepped towards him, almost unwillingly.

"It means you're changing into someone stronger than you realize. You cared enough to risk your own life to try and save someone else…"

She looked up at him with watery eyes. "Yeah, but, what's the difference between being strong, and being jaded?" Her voice wavered. "I'm scared Derek … I don't want to lose who I am just so I can do this job…"

He turned to look out at the scenery, and she moved to follow his gaze.

"We are in one of the most beautiful places on earth… I know you see that, don't you?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah…"

He took her chin in his hand tenderly, turning her face up to look at him, stroking away a tear with his thumb.

"Then we have nothing to worry about. It's who you _are_ baby girl- you see the beauty in every thing and everyone no matter where you go. That part of you is never gonna change and I'm not about to let it." His tone was fierce, his hand still lightly caressing her face. She struggled to contain the aching thrill that went through her body at his soft touch.

She laughed ruefully. "I don't need you to protect me"

He smiled down at her. "Tough, I think I'm gonna stay on the job a little while longer."

"Yeah?" She stared at him, her face a mixture of pleasure and incredulousness.

He nodded, murmuring an affirmative.

Smiling wider, she tilted her head. "How much longer?" There was a plaintive note to her voice which pierced him down to his core. Instinctively, he leaned closer to her. "Every day of my life." She swayed towards him, their bodies yearning towards one another, before she jerked herself from the trance his nearness has placed upon her. She turned away quickly before turning back towards him, a bright smile on her face. "I kinda love you, Derek Morgan…" she said, punching him softly in the stomach. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms.

"I kinda love you, Penelope Garcia."

JJ backed away from the scene, smiling softly to herself. She paused, allowing them the comfort they needed before calling out for them to hurry.

Playing dumb, she shouted as she came back around the corner "Derek, you seen Pen? Hotch is ready to go-oh!" She trotted up to them, desperately hiding the happy grin that bubbled up in her at the sight of Derek still holding Penelope so possessively. At the sound of the other woman's voice, Penelope jumped back as if burned, looking about guiltily. JJ frowned inwardly as she saw the shadow that passed over Derek's face when Penelope leapt from his arms.

"Yeah, Jayje, I'll be there in two shakes. Just packing down the satellite. You two go on ahead." Pen fumbled over the delicate equipment, watching as the two figures retreated around the front of the building. Once out of sight, she closed the lid on the carrying case and sat back on her heels, taking a deep breath. If she paused, she could still feel Derek's strong arms wrapped around her; hear the beat of his heart.

Guilt had washed over her the moment JJ interrupted their quiet reverie. Reality burst in upon her; she had a boyfriend, but his name was Kevin, and he wasn't tall and dark, he was pale, and nervous, and pudgy, and tried so hard to be good to her. He couldn't help that she couldn't love him; she knew that was the main reason for his jealousy. He wanted her to love him, he wanted to at least have a chance at her heart. Sighing with resignation, she decided, then, that no matter what was happening between herself and Derek, it simply wasn't fair to Kevin to continue. Yes, she loved having a man's attention, and regular, if boring, sex might be better than none at all; he truly was a good man, and a kindred spirit, but he wasn't meant for her.

Beyond anything, though, she couldn't deny the strength and variety of feelings five minutes in Derek Morgan's arms had stirred in her. Even if she had no chance of ever being with the man who secretly held her heart, she couldn't keep lying. She deserved fireworks, or at least something close. More to the point, so did Kevin.

Penelope stood, brushing the leaves from her knees, and carried the satellite to the waiting SUVs. Instead of climbing in next to Derek as she longed to, she walked past, seating herself next to JJ in the first car. She smiled at the blonde woman then turned to the window, staring out the whole way to the airfield.

They boarded the jet quietly, each lost in their own worlds of exhaustion. Derek was confused by Penelope's actions earlier. Almost every other time she had been in the field with them, she had stayed close to his side, enjoying the extra chance to be together. The fact that she had passed him to sit in the first car, then didn't speak to him as they boarded the jet concerned him. He knew things had shifted between them; he also knew she had a boyfriend. He watched her get settled into a seat and immediately set her laptop on the surface before her. He slid into the seat opposite.

"You know you can't use that yet, you'll crash the plane." He teased her, gently, still unsure where they stood after the way she had pulled herself from his arms so abruptly.

She smiled wanly at him. "You know that's a myth, hot stuff, and you know I know it."

He smiled, and pulled a book out of his bag. Whatever was going on, she wasn't upset at him.

Once airborne, Penelope booted her laptop and fired up the wireless internet, thankful as always for modern telecom wi-fi cards.

She logged into her personal email account, hoping Kevin would be logged into the chat system as he usually was in the evenings.

**TechGodKL:** Penny, u home? Didnt see ur car

**DMBGOracle: **Hi Kev, no, on plane. Can we tlk?

**TechGodKL: **cant be 2 bad if IM. Whatsup?

Penelope sighed, running her fingers though her hair. Derek looked up from his book in concern before dropping his gaze.

**DMBGOracle: **Kev. R u happy?

**TechGodKL: **no, ur not here.

She sighed. Kevin was smart, he knew where this was going, and would not make this easy on her. She tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling. She really didn't want to do this on instant messenger, but given that so much of their relationship had happened via one form of electronic communication or another, it seemed somehow fitting. She glanced back down at the screen, avoiding Derek's curious stare from across the table.

**TechGodKL: **Whn will u b home?

**DMBGOracle: **Kevin. Srsly, r u happy? w/ us?

**TechGodKL: **of course! 3 u!

She tensed, but then relaxed. They hadn't said 'I love you' yet, and she knew she couldn't. The fact that he hadn't written the word out somehow strengthened her resolve. If he had been in love with her, in this conversation, he would've logged out so she couldn't continue the discussion, or he would have simply written the words fully.

**DMBGOracle: **That looks like boobs.

**TechGodKL:** so I said boob u?

She snorted.

**DMBGOracle:** Ur a dork.

**TechGodKL:** but u 3 me?

She sighed again. Derek had given up the pretense of reading and was now staring at her, cataloging the symphony of sighs she was making. "Everything okay over there sweetness?"

She smiled over at him.

"Ask me in about five minutes."

Derek arched an eyebrow at her, but said nothing.

**DMBGOracle:** Kevin. I 3 u, but I don't love you.

**TechGodKL:** ouch. Slept on floor huh? Don't buy it.

**DMBGOracle:** chill. Situation nvr evn came up. Lots happened in AK. Kev, pretending isnt kind 2 u or 2 me. U deserve wow, we don't hve wow.

She chewed her lip nervously when he didn't immediately respond to her.

**TechGodKL:** we cld. If u chng depts, btr hours? New ppl?

**DMBGOracle:** 2+ yrs is enough. We hve tried… I jst cant b wht u need, this isn't wht I need, and U dsrve so mch more. Its not fair 2 either of us. I do 3 u… u r awesome prsn, Kev. I gotta find wow, tho.

Before he could respond, she logged off. She knew if she allowed the conversation to continue, he'd convince her to try again, just one more time. She had to be finished with him, with the situation, to move forward. If she had learned anything about her new, stronger self in Alaska, it was that she needed to be honest, to herself, and those around her. She shut down her laptop and packed it in her bag.

Derek looked at her over his book. She arched an eyebrow at him, smiling. He laid the book down on the table.

"Sooo…?"

"So what, hot stuff?"

"What were you doing over there?"

She looked at him, after so long allowing herself to feel the butterflies his handsome face stirred within her.

"Being honest. It's my new thing."


	2. Visions

_A/N: I know where we're going, just not yet how we get there… it's wherever the wind blows me, at this point. (also, dont know why my separations didnt carry over. odd. This will make it easier to read) _

* * *

After landing, Derek had asked Penelope if she wanted to go grab some dinner, but she just smiled brightly at him and declined.

"Thanks hot stuff, but I think I need some 'me time' tonight." She grabbed her bag from him and strode off towards Esther.

"So, you're not meeting Lynch…?" He left the question hanging. While he thought he knew what her comment about 'honesty' on the jet meant, she had immediately bundled up and fallen asleep so he couldn't question her further.

She felt a brief pang of guilt, but knew that would pass. "No, sugar, Kevin won't be calling anymore." She smiled softly at him, hopped into her car and drove away. Derek just stood there, stalk still, watching her leave.

"Yes, she broke up with him, you big lump!" JJ reached up and smacked the taller man gently on the head.

"Ow!" Derek yelped, spinning around to glare at JJ. "What was that for?" He knew he was whining, but he didn't care. He was tired, and JJ hit harder than he thought she could.

JJ just rolled her eyes, looking at Emily as she passed by.

"Morgan, seriously?" Emily stared at him with eyebrows raised, then, when no illuminating revelation was forthcoming from the befuddled profiler, she, too, rolled her eyes. "C'mon Jayje, he's just going to have to figure it out for himself. Reid wants Chinese, you in?" The two ladies shook their heads at the now more confused man and joined the others across the parking lot.

Bemusedly, Derek rubbed the back of his head, still sore from JJ's 'love tap', as he wandered over to his car. Smiling, he started the engine and headed home with a whistle and a much lighter heart.

After the fifth text message from Kevin, and the seventh call from Derek, Penelope turned off her ringer.

She wasn't really sure what to do about the sudden male attention she was getting. On one hand, it was certainly flattering; Kevin had never even paid this much attention when they were dating. She knew he was resisting her decision, but she also believed that he would quickly move on and find someone who he was truly compatible with; someone who could actually give him her heart with no reservations.

Derek's sudden attention, however, was more confusing. She had listened to two of his messages, and they were both rambling, halting things; she knew there were conversations they should have, but until he was more coherent, she would content herself with being single and bringing the flirt. She flipped on her TV, laughing when she noticed a Buffy marathon was on. She had always identified with nerd-girl Willow, and thought the Xander guy was kinda cute, in a mangy puppy sort of way. The episode playing currently was the bizarre yet awesome 'musical'. She sat down to watch, thinking about the differences between the two male leads. Kevin was most definitely this Xander guy, almost eerily, whereas there were interesting parallels between Derek and Spike.

She laughed at that thought. Derek would never see it, but both he and Spike were undeniably tortured souls, the ones who wanted to love and yet couldn't seem to. Of course, Spike was also a vampire who only drank pigs blood because he had a computer chip implanted in his brain, but she could still make the comparison. Besides, Spike was much more handsome than the pudgy Xander!

When she started comparing Buffy's 'Scooby Squad' to her BAU family, she realized it was most definitely time to go to bed. She scrubbed her face and snuggled down into bed, floating off into strange dreams featuring a vampire which bore an uncanny resemblance to Derek attempting to suck the life out of Kevin.

The next morning, Derek walked down the hall to the BAU bullpen with a spring in his step. His Red Delicious was finally free, and he was more than ready to open up about all the feelings he had been smothering for the past few years.

He passed JJ's open office door and heard the squeal of feminine laughter, including Penelope's trademark giggle. Intrigued, he paused outside the open door to hear the gossip.

"So, wait, did he have the face and everything?" Emily was perched in the chair next to Penelope, listening with rapt attention to the details of her friend's peculiar dream.

"No, not really. I mean, yeah, obviously, he had the snarly thing going on, but, it still looked like Derek, just, with pointy teeth."

JJ snorted. "And Lynch? What was he doing?"

Derek stiffened. Why was she dreaming about him being the bad guy? And dreaming about Lynch too?"

"Poor guy, he was just running around flailing his arms while Derek chased him."

Emily laughed at the image. "So did he ever get the bite on him?"

Penelope giggled. "No, cause I kissed him instead!"

Derek choked when he heard that. She kissed Lynch in her dream? She must not be nearly as ready for that relationship to end as she thought. He stalked off towards his desk, the black look on his face warning all to keep a fair distance.

JJ leaned over her desk. "Wait, who did you kiss?" She exchanged a confused glance with Emily.

"Derek of course! Why would I want to kiss Kevin again, even in my dreams, when there's the chance to kiss Derek!"

Several hours, and two system upgrades later, Penelope stuck her head out her door, questing for another cup of coffee. Hearing raised male voices, she paused at the entrance to the bullpen. What she saw caused her to flush with embarrassment before paling in anger.

"You know you're nothing but a Neanderthal, how can you possibly give her what she needs?"

"Neanderthal? Seriously man, you need to step off. I am not doing this with you- you have no idea what you're talking about." Derek had his arms crossed tensely over his broad chest, the muscles in his jaw working as he struggled to maintain his composure.

Kevin stepped closer, his face beet red in anger. "Oh, you think you're such a bad ass. Well, lemmie use some language you'll understand. If you hadn't been MACKIN' on my WOMAN, she'd still be with me and not back pining over you!"

Penelope strode up to Kevin, staring at him coldly before lifting a hand to deal a cracking slap to his face, which had gone pasty when he saw her.

"Kevin, I know you feel betrayed." Penelope's voice was steely, frigid, taking both men aback. "Agent Morgan had nothing to do with our break up. If you need to blame someone, blame me."

She stepped closer to Kevin, putting herself between him and Derek.

"I think you need to leave, now."

She crossed her arms, inadvertently mirroring Kevin's stance.

"I see the bad ass needs protecting," he sneered, "how sweet. Garcia, I hope your system goes blue screen."

Conversation bubbled up around them as the shorter man stalked out of the room. Penelope sagged where she stood, hands coming up to cover her face which was once again flushed with embarrassment. She felt strong, warm hands cupping her shoulders and she allowed herself to be steered back to her office. Derek sat her down, kneeling in front of her, resting his large palms on her knees. She lowered her hands, slowly opening her eyes. He was surprised not to see tears in her eyes.

"Hot stuff, I'm sorry. That… that was ridiculous." She sighed. "I never gave him any reason to think our split had anything to do with anyone but us. I don't know where he got the crazy idea-"

"Hey- hold on a second-" Derek laid a finger against her plump lips. "I thought honesty was your new key word?"

She frowned down at him, a little pucker of confusion between her eyes.

"It is… what does that have to do with-"

"He can see fireworks as well as anyone else, even if the fuse isn't lit yet…"

Penelope pulled back and laughed. "Ok, that is the stupidest analogy I have eve-"

Warm, gentle lips played with hers, coaxing them to open. When they did, she moaned, softly, as a strong, sweet tongue played and mated with hers.

Derek pulled back inches to peer into Penelope's startled, slightly pleasure-glazed eyes.

"Like I said, fireworks."


	3. Words

A/N: Wow, that was a great episode tonight! Unfortunately, I don't own that awesomeness… (also, I cant seem to get section breaks to upload in my formatting… gonna try something new this time- sorry, guys!)

* * *

Penelope stared into Derek's warm eyes as if it were the first time. She marveled at the sweep of his dark lashes, the golden glints flashing in their dark orbs. Her lips tingled, remembering the heat of his soft lips against hers. They trembled, slightly, as did she, so much emotion within her threatening to burst forth as a hurricane.

Derek raised a hand to wipe away a tear that had escaped from Penelope's wide-open eyes. "Baby, say something?"

She smiled, tremulously. "Wow…" She turned to press a kiss to the palm of his hand. "I like those sparklers, scrumptious."

He pulled back to stare at her in amazement. "Sparklers! You brat!"

She giggled, and allowed herself to be pulled into his warm embrace. "Ok, maybe more than sparklers…" She snuggled into his shirt, inhaling the spicy, masculine scent of him.

"Hey, sweetheart," He held her tightly against him. "You know we've gotta get back to work at some point, right?"

She stiffened and pulled back, brushing her hair back from her face.

"You're right, of course, I've still got four more upgrades to run." She patted his hand and turned around to face her monitor.

Derek paused a moment, confused, muttering , "I guess we'll talk later…" before walking out the door and closing it softly behind him.

Penelope leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath. She had gone from feeling utter bliss as Derek kissed her, to perfect contentment within the circle of his arms; now she felt as if she had been kicked off a roof. It had seemed the perfect moment, but yet again, something was off kilter. Now, instead of longing looks and loving words lacking only the proof of a kiss, suddenly there was the comfort of lips and arms without any sort of explanation. Frustrated, she sent a quick IM to JJ via the inter-office system.

**TAPGarcia:** Kitten, got a sec?

**MLJJareau:** Sure, BRT.

Five minutes later JJ, along with Emily, knocked on the tech analyst's door.

"Hey, what's up?" JJ sat in the chair next to Penelope, Emily perched on the open desk area next to her.

Penelope covered her face with her hands and groaned. "Girlies, I have zee boy problems."

"Yeah… we saw that thing with Lynch…but…I thought things were looking up?" Emily exchanged glances with JJ. They had watched the confrontation between Kevin and Derek, watched as he guided Penelope back to her bunker so purposefully, and saw him come back out looking confused and almost dejected.

"Yeah, see, ok, I broke up with Kevin cause there were things said… or, I guess I mean 'kinda' said, and implied…oh damn him!" She grabbed her play-dough and started smooshing it violently. "So, I thought, I need to be honest! So, I broke up with Kevin… I said that already, right?" JJ nodded, eyes wide at her friend's ranting. "Yeah, ok, so, I broke up with Kevin cause the sparks were more like fizzles, and I thought it wasn't fair to him that I was having these maybe implied sparks with someone else-"

"You mean Morgan, right?" Emily interjected, looking confused.

"Yeah! So many sparks, all the time, getting brighter and brighter so I break up with my boyfriend…Kevin is nice! Kevin treated me well! He tried! And I break his heart because there happen to all of a sudden be actual sparks… and then the idiot kisses me and reminds me we have work to do! I mean, what the hell!"

JJ deftly plucked the tortured piece of play-dough out of her friend's hands. "Pen, back up… Morgan kissed you?"

Penelope jumped up and started pacing. "Yep, big ol' kiss. Ok, not big… we're at work, right… but…" A dreamy look passed over her face and she stopped pacing. "Soft and warm and gentle and sexy and delicious and… see! Damn him!" She started pacing more frantically. "He kisses me like I'm the most precious thing in his world, gives me a cuddle and then he's all 'hey, we have work to do'."

"I… don't see the problem…?" Emily looked from he frantic Penelope to JJ, hoping she might be able to illuminate the issue, but she seemed just as confused.

"The problem, mes amis, is that I want both! Is that so hard? Why can't I get kisses and the thinly veiled declarations of love?" She picked up a fuzzy ball and threw it against the wall. "Why can't I get a freaking honest to goodness 'I wanna make babies with you'? Is that so damn hard?" She flopped back into her chair, holding back tears. "Why is he allowed to talk about forever, and I just keep hoping and hoping…" A tear slid down her face and she angrily dashed it away. "How can he love me so much and yet still be able to always make me feel not good enough?"

JJ pulled her into a tight hug. "You know he doesn't mean to. Men are stupid. I'm sure he thinks he tells you all the time how much he loves you, and that the words he uses don't matter…" Emily stroked Penelope's hair, awkwardly. "Garcia, I'm sure your first kiss meant a lot to him. I mean, I'm a profiler, and I know Morgan pretty well by now. If he's distant, it's because it totally rocked the foundations of his world…"

"Or," a deep, soft voice began, "he realized we were at work and I had to stop before I did something completely inappropriate…"

Warily, JJ and Emily hovered by their friend, but when he knelt at her feet and gently took her hands in his, they surreptitiously excused themselves.

"Baby, shhh… I'm sorry. I know I'm an ass. Men aren't known for being good at this sort of thing, and I'm denser than most…" He laid a long finger against her lips when she started to protest. "No, seriously. Lynch wasn't too far off his mark… it's not that I don't feel things…" he smiled at her, cupping her face in his large hands. "I just have a hard time letting them out." Gently, he ran his thumb down over her soft lips before giving in to temptation and kissing them again, tenderly. He was on his knees, face to face to her as she sat in her chair. He moved his lips delicately over hers, then to catch the trail from her tears, to each eyelid, forehead, nose, and back to her lips.

"Penelope. There's no kinda to the way I feel about you. I love you, and I want to show you just, exactly…" he ran a finger over the curve of her cheek and down the column of her neck, "Just exactly how big my love is." He smiled wickedly and she gasped, chucking throatily. She leaned down to press a kiss to his lips, dragging her tongue over them, tasting him as he opened his mouth to her. She pulled back, leaning down to look at him, teasing him with glimpses of her milky cleavage. "So, when, exactly, are you going to show me this large, throbbing….affection?"

He stood and pulled her to her feet, holding her close, letting her curves press against the hard planes of his muscles. "I was thinking, what, maybe start with dinner wherever my Princess so desires, then dessert, at my place?"

She smiled and pressed herself closer to him, feeling the swelling of his manhood against her. "What's for dessert, sugar?"

He looked down at her with hungry eyes. "Whatever I desire…"


End file.
